Things I'm not

The older I get, the more aware - and comfortable - I am with the things I am not. I'm not super organized. I'm not as thin as I would like. I'm not adventurous. I'm not cruel. I'm not confrontational. My list could go on for days, and I while I could fill books with rationale and justification for each thing I'm not, I won't do that. Because as I get older, I realize I'm also not much of an apologizer - I am what I am, like it or not, take me or leave me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not so stubborn that I won't apologize for wrongs I've committed or feelings I've hurt; I just won't apologize for the things I am. Or am not. And last weekend I discovered something else I am not.

I'm not a stage mother.

See, Maggie participated in a spring fashion show at a local mall. The story of how we even got to this point is sort of funny; the local Strasburg store held a "model search." A local photographer came in to the store one weekend and photographed children for free. Parents could opt to buy packages for cheap, and the store would keep one photo of each child on file and use these head shots to determine who would be on their local modeling board. I signed Maggie up simply because I wanted the cheap pictures! (And it was well worth it: here is the pose we ended up buying - isn't it great?)

I didn't tell many people about the model search because I didn't want them to think I was one of Those Mothers. And truly, I didn't care whether she was chosen to model, especially since the modeling consists mainly of local fashion shows, and I had my doubts as to whether Maggie would even be comfortable doing this. (Though I must admit that the discount they give models was pretty appealing.) So I was surprised when I got a call back in January, asking if she could model for a bridal fashion show. The show was the weekend we were out of town at Disney, so I declined and figured that would be the last I heard from Strasburg. Then they called back a few weeks ago and asked if she could do the "Easter Parade" spring fashion show. As there was nothing on our calendar for that day and Maggie was agreeable to trying it, I told them yes.

On Saturday, we showed up to Strasburg. Maggie had already been fitted for her dress, a cute spring number with colorful flowers embroidered along the skirt, decidedly un-Strasburgy, I thought. We checked in, they handed Maggie her dress, and we waited in line for a fitting room. As we waited, I watched some of the other mother/child pairs and was surprised at what I saw. One beautiful dark-eyed girl had on eye makeup! Most of the girls' hair had been curled, and I saw more than one mom spraying hairspray all over her daughter after getting her dressed. I began to feel woefully unprepared, regretting the fact that I hadn't even brought a simple hairbrush for Maggie!

As we waited to line up outside the store, I listened as mothers instructed their daughters to hold their heads up, to stand with their feet just-so, or to make sure their hair was tucked behind their ear ... but only on "this side." I, on the other hand, was consoling a crying girl, upset that I wouldn't let her - clad in that white dress that wasn't ours - climb all over those mechanical riding toys outside Strasburg. The tears wouldn't stop, and as I looked at the other children, so poised, for a moment I felt a twinge of embarrassment at Maggie's behavior. Then she admitted that she was nervous. Of course. I felt stupid for not realizing this sooner. Even though she'd seemed happy enough about the fashion show before Saturday, even practicing at the mall and at home, her nerves got the best of her once she was dressed and waiting with the other models. And I'm sure being around all those high-strung mamas didn't help. I looked into her eyes and told her that since she'd agreed to do this, I really thought she should follow through on her word. But if she was really too nervous, I told her we'd go back inside the store, change into her own clothes, and tell the Strasburg ladies 'no thank you.' Maggie thought for a minute and said, "No, I want to do it."

And she did great!! When it was her turn to go on stage alone, she did perfectly! She walked slowly to the front as Ms. Betty described the details of her dress ...

... and she remembered to turn around so the audience could see the back of her dress.

The children went on stage a second time at the end of the show, all together, and by then Maggie had informed me that she was fine by herself and I could go sit with Peyton in the audience (we ran into one of her friends from school, and Peyton and her mom stayed to watch the show). I am so incredibly proud of her. Not because she was chosen to be a model or because she did so well in the show, but because she was nervous and did it anyway. To me, that's real courage.

I learned a couple of things that day. I learned that my daughter can be braver than I sometimes give her credit for, and I discovered that I'm not a high-pressure stage mom. And I'm grateful for both.